There is a very old saying that says, “Don’t cut off your nose to spite your face.” I perceive that this old saying was used as a warning to people to not act out in anger or resentment because they only end up harming themselves. Over time, these feelings of resentment can build until the individual develops feelings of depression or anxiety.

While forgiving others who have hurt us isn’t always easy, in the end, it greatly benefits our mental health and overall well-being. To be clear, forgiving others does NOT mean you agree with or condor their poor behaviour. And it doesn’t mean you are announcing that your feelings don’t matter. Forgiveness simply means letting go of the negative feelings that are holding you down and causing you prolonged distress.

Again, forgiving someone who has hurt you isn’t easy, but it will lead you to a sense of peace and joy. Here are some steps you can take to forgive others:

Process Your Pain

This is not as easy as it sounds that's why most of us avoid or distract ourselves from facing it. The old saying "you have to feel it to heal it" rings true. Give yourself permission to feel your feelings deeply and fully. Cry, yell, hit your pillow, do whatever it takes.

Forgive Yourself

It takes two to tango, as they say. While we can easily point to others and blame them for the breakup or ugly incident, the truth is, we were there also. We played some roles. Even if it was to retaliate at the moment and to show our own ugliness. It’s time to forgive your own humanity and any wrongdoing to yourself or others.

Try to Understand

True forgiveness is impossible without a sense of understanding. You can try to forgive and claim you have forgiven, only to have those negative nagging feelings crop up again and again. When we try to understand why someone has acted the way they have, it can wipe out the negative feelings instantly, almost as if by magic. 

The critical parent may act the way they do because they, too, were the victim of a critical parent. An overbearing boss may be dealing with a personal tragedy at home. Our cheating spouse is self-sabotaging his or her life because they have incredibly low self-esteem and do not feel they deserve happiness. Life is complicated and human beings are even more so. By looking at a situation from other perspectives we can generally understand why someone has hurt us. You will be amazed at what this magical A-ha moment can do for you.

And if you’d like to speak to someone and get some guidance and much-needed perspective, please reach out to me.

 

SOURCES:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/complicated-love/202006/the-healing-power-forgiveness

https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/the-power-of-forgiveness

https://www.verywellmind.com/the-benefits-of-forgiveness-3144954